埃默里大学招生办：优秀个人陈述分享（一）

invisor001

一篇好的个人陈述，往往能够给招生官们留下深刻印象，为申请加分。但是，怎样才算是一篇优秀的个人陈述呢？能给人留下深刻印象的个人陈述应该做到哪些方面？针对这一点，埃默里大学招生办的招生官们为我们分享了几篇来自往年成功申请上默哀立大学的申请者的优秀个人陈述，并附上了他们为什么觉得该个人陈述足够优秀的原因，希望能给申请者们启发，写出一篇脱颖而出的个人陈述。
无论你是否申请这间大学，以下范例都会对你有所帮助！
            

fandecie

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invisor001

优秀个人陈述1：使用真实的轶事
题目：有些学生的背景、身份、兴趣或才能非常有意义，他们认为如果没有这些，他们的申请将是不完整的。如果这听起来像你，那么请分享你的故事。
            

invisor001

正文：
In the fourth grade, I had a dream: I walked into Mrs. Ferris’ sunlight-filled English class wearing a headscarf over my school uniform, a navy polo and a grey, pleated skirt. Black leggings covered my skinny legs and a long white undershirt covered my scrawny arms. I interacted with my friends as normal, talking about nothing of real importance. In this deceitfully innocent figment of my imagination, the change inside of me was undeniable. Allah held a specific interest in the price of my soul, and I would offer it to Him.
在四年级的时候，我有一个梦想：我走进费里斯夫人阳光明媚的英语课课堂，头上带着头巾，下面穿着校服——海军蓝色的polo衫和灰色的百褶裙。黑色的打底裤盖住了我瘦骨嶙峋的腿，白色的长汗衫盖住了我骨瘦如柴的胳膊。我像往常一样和朋友们交流，谈论一些不重要的事情。在我想象的这个虚假天真的虚构场景中，我内心的变化是不可否认的。安拉对我灵魂的价值有着特殊的兴趣，我愿意把它奉献给他。
            

invisor001

Sometimes I wonder how I could have been so foolish to believe I could carry the weight of Islam on my back in the heart of the Bible Belt without being crushed.
有时我在想，我怎么会如此愚蠢地认为，我可以身在圣经带却把伊斯兰教的重担背在身上而不被压垮。
            

invisor001

At nine years old, I petitioned my parents to start wearing hijab, the Arabic term for the veil Muslim women wear. I wrote lists of pros and cons (including: “boys won’t think I’m pretty,” “friends won’t like me,” “friends will have to like me for who I am,” and “don’t have to do hair in the morning”). Armed with an abundance of beautiful, handmade scarves, designed to stop my beauty from distracting the world from my intellect, I was ready. I thought I was prepared for womanhood.
在我九岁的时候，我请求我的父母让我开始戴面纱，就是那种阿拉伯穆斯林妇女戴的面纱。我列出了一些利弊 (包括:“男孩们不会觉得我漂亮”、“朋友们不会喜欢我”、“朋友们必须喜欢真实的我”和“早上不用梳头”)。我准备好了大量漂亮的手工围巾，为了防止世人看不到我的智慧而过多关注于我的美貌。我曾以为我已经为成为女人做好了准备。
            

invisor001

I could not have imagined how hyper-conscious I would be of the fabric on my head. I felt the stares of strangers, judging me for the crimes of radicals faraway. The layers of clothing scorched my skin during soccer practice. My nickname, “towelhead,” echoed in my mind. I felt an isolating physical disparity between me and everyone around me: I covered my hair. They did not.
我从未想到过我会对自己头上的布料这么敏感。我感觉到陌生人的注目，他们在远处以穆斯林激进分子的罪过来评论我。在足球训练中，我身上一层层衣服要把我的皮肤都烤焦了。我的绰号“毛巾头”一直在我的脑海中回荡。我感觉到自己和周围的每个人之间都存在着生理差距：我遮住了头发。他们没有。
            

invisor001

The longer I wore the headscarf, the further it slipped down my head, showing more and more of the hair that my non-Muslim friends so frequently told me I should show off. My clothes grew so tight they suffocated me. This symbol of modesty and pure religion became nothing but a piece of cloth.
我戴头巾的时间越长，它就越往下坠，露出越来越多的头发。我的非穆斯林朋友经常告诉我，我应该把头发露出来。我的衣服变得紧绷，快要使我窒息。这种谦逊和纯洁宗教的象征，除了一块布以外什么都不是。
            

invisor001

I am the product of a conservative family residing in the Deep South. These often contradictory belief systems of my family and of the people around me have shaped me into an individual who refuses to be lumped into generalities, negative or positive. No cause, no religion, no mantra is worth sacrificing personal legitimacy. As a result of my approach towards culture and spirituality not fitting exactly under any specific umbrella, I have learned to find my peace in thinking differently than those around me rather than shying away from my thoughts. The difficult decisions I made regarding the hijab are a reflection of my dedication to being true to myself and what is right. But what exactly is right? And who am I? I am still figuring those questions out.
我居住在南方腹地的保守家庭。我的家庭和周围人的信仰体系常常相互矛盾，把我塑造成了一个拒绝被分类的个体，不管是积极方面的还是消极方面的。没有理由，没有宗教，没有值得牺牲个人的合法性。由于我对文化和精神的态度并不完全符合任何特定的范畴，我学会了用不同于周围人的方式去思考，不回避自己的想法，从而找到了内心的平静。我所做的关于头巾的艰难决定反映了我对真实的自己和何为正确的挣扎和寻找。但究竟什么才是正确的呢?我是谁?我仍然还在想方设法解决那些问题。
            

invisor001

某招生官反馈：

在读完成百上千份论述后，我很感激能读到这么一份诚恳又有趣的文章。她的文章之所以能通过审核是因为写得很棒又有趣，而且能让我很直观地感受到她的个性。
她把她自己展示给我看，而不是直白的讲出来。通过这件小趣事，我看到了一个聪明的、有自我意识的、会质疑的而且诚实正直的学生——所有事情都是无法虚构出来的。这就是她真正的样子。我能够想象到她在我们的班上进行演讲，我知道她在我们学校社团中也会很受欢迎。